Why??

So I sit here and listen to the silence in the house. Dad is gone Dominic is in bed and I am up yet again by myself. I am missing you at times like these because if you were here I would be sitting up talking ot you making wedding plans and complaining about something I am sure of it. But here I am all alone and I miss you more than ever. It has been a little over 14 months since you have been gone yet it feels as if it were yesterday I can see you laying there not wanting to be here anymore. I know you were tired mom but I was not ready for you to go. I know it was selfish but I miss you and miss you soo much. Dad just does not understand me and he thinks he is 25 again and does not take care of himself. The boys choose to ignore dad because they are sick of him too. It is so frustrating sometimes and I wish he would just grow up. I have not 100% gone back to work full-time yet because I just cannot see myself around anyone that is dying yet I have thought about quitting nursing all together and I know that you would be upset but it just has so many memories that I cannot handle most times. I ask myself sometimes if Barry and I would have gotten you those experimental chemo drugs would you still be here or not? You were supposed to help me plan my wedding, move into my own home, start my family, not be gone and me have noone to count on. I have decided to not have a wedding per say because I cannot imagine my BIG day without you there and helping me get ready telling me how beautiful I look and telling me to calm down it is going to be perfect. I just cannot imagine it without you. I cannot write anymore tonight but will try to write you more tomorrow Mom I miss you and love you...